recently shared a coffee with a friend. Our conversation was dominated by him telling me about an argument that he had had with his wife that morning. The argument was seemingly over something relatively trivial
His wife had allowed their recently arrived puppy to sleep in the bedroom and the restless dog had disturbed their sleep. He was tired, but his anger seemed out of proportion to the problem. So, over numerous cups of coffee and plenty of biscuits, he told me that he and his wife had talked it over at breakfast and agreed that the puppy would be barred from the bedroom.
Problem solved but no! I sensed that he was still seething with her so I encouraged him to tell me more about his anger and, in doing so; the source of his anger seemed to shift from one problem to another. It felt just like a ball of string – completely tied up in knots with many underlying issues.
Getting to the bottom of anger is often so complex that it seems impossible for us to do in a controlled manner. The ultimate cause of anger in relationships is often much more complex than appears and we don’t always realize ourselves what the underlying problem is.
We often don’t know how to express and control our anger and subsequently issues can escalate out of control. This can sometimes lead to an unbreachable chasm that grows between us.
Couples do seemingly ‘get over’ their arguments, but at what price. Often the unresolved issue is still there but is avoided so as not to cause more arguments, but it will keep niggling at us until it finally comes to the surface by which time it can spiral out of control with dire circumstances.
Anger is such a complex emotion to express, and the underlying issues can be so difficult to resolve that, in my experience, this is an area where couples often need an experienced third party, such as a counselor, to help them untangle their relationship. If you feel that in any way this sounds familiar to you and your relationship, give me a call and I’ll be happy to see if I can help you.